Have you ever been consumed by a feeling so strong, that you completely lose control of your life? Because I have. That’s pretty bold to say. Believe me, I know.
I used to tell people things will get better. I used to tell them to suck it up and move on. But now. Now I know what it’s like to be in this position. To lose your entire world in one day. To watch someone you love walk away from you forever and know that there is nothing you can do to change it. No words to say to make it better. No amount of tears you could cry for them to come back. To lose precious hours of sleep because your mind is racing, analyzing every little detail of the past couple of months. To have no appetite, and force yourself to eat anyways, only to feel sick and force yourself to keep it down. I’m sorry if I ever told you that. Because now I believe that things won’t get better.
I hate the way people look at me now. Like I’m some fragile glass doll that they can’t talk to. If they say the wrong thing, I’ll break. I hate the way people feel the need to dance around the subject, like I can’t handle it. And maybe I can’t. But please don’t treat me any differently.
I hate the way everyone tries to act like they know how I feel. You may have gone through something similar, but you don’t know exactly how I feel. You don’t know how broken I am. Mentally. Physically. To convince myself everyday that I have to get out of bed. To convince myself that maybe it will be better. I hate the way I have to lie to myself now. It just gives me a false sense of hope.
I feel so alone. I am alone.
In a room full of people, I still search for you. I know you won’t walk through the doors, but I hope anyways. I look for any sight of a memory. A place you once stood. Something you once touched. Anything to feel closer. Anything to feel sane again.
One date with you is all it took for me to fall for you. And one hour is all it took for you to rip everything good in my life away.
I want my life back. I want to stop feeling pathetic. Stupid. Sad. I want to stop pretending to be happy so people don’t ask what’s wrong. I want to stop having to fake smiles. I want to stop hiding in my bedroom. I want to feel the sun on my skin again. But mostly, I just want you.
This is going to be my last blog post for a long time. I won’t be writing my last iceland post. I won’t be documenting my next adventure. I can’t.
Sorry to those that I’ve disappointed. Sorry I couldn’t do better.